i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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