the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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