I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
