i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
