I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
