You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour