Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.