He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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