well I can't set my house on fire every night
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
