can we get nightvision for the apartment?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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