im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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