paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
