I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
