Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
