Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
