There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
