I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
