Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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