I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
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i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
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Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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