Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I want to stick my p in your. b.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
