you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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