you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
