How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
