this beer tastes like vomit already
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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