why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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