For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
