when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
