I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
