And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
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Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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