my phone needs a breathalizer
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
how does that bad decision feel?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
