Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
