the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
jump out the window naked night went bad
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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