I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
