This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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