I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
