i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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