Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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