"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
