I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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