Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
