I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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