how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
