my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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