Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
