you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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