u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
