there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
