In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Green mimosas i think yes
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Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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