it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
