i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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