I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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