The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
