When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
