Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
