I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
